Friday, June 3, 2011

Grand Jury In John Edwards Probe Denoted Corrupt Balls Prevalent

A Federal Grand Jury caught a whiff of the evidence against former presidential candidate and attorney John Edwards, indicting the two-time con artist liberal Friday.

One of the grand jurors described the nightmarish ordeal after two long years of probing stating, "After reviewing much of the evidence, an overwhelming determination came over us we believe from the imprint left throughout of this man's corrupt balls".  Another grand juror member chimed in "We noted Edwards' balls were even imprinted on his hoe mistress's sweater and were all aghast." (Photo above)

The six count indictment includes charges of conspiracy, four counts of illegal campaign contributions and one count of false statements.  

Edwards, 58, rose to power with his talent for lies, deception and fucking hoes outside marriage by cheating on his former cancer stricken late wife Elizabeth and mother of three.  The dumb fuck hillbilly from South Carolina's accused of using massive sums of campaign money to keep his mistress in hiding during the peak of his 2008 campaign.  "He even had an underground luxury spa bunker for her, it was just too much" describes one grand juror.

Experts say the government doesn't intend on sending Edwards to prison knowing a plea deal's a likely recourse.  "Public humiliation and a complete loss of future political prospects satisfies us as long as he cooperates with a plea deal.  We don't want to kill the man, just rough him up a bit." - Government spokesman.

Meanwhile, in an apparent crisis, the government has lowered its National Dating Standards to accommodate the new trend of the dating sector dying thanks to the actions of men like Edwards.