Monday, February 20, 2012

Some People Cherish Their Memories While Others Wish To Bury Them

**Warning, this story will be disturbing to some. Only the strong minded should proceed**

I've been taking this brain boosting supplement called Prevagen the past two months and have since noticed memories long ago buried have been coming to the surface of my awareness to deal with. I'm not quite sure that's a good thing though, because there seems to be a lot of brutal things I've experienced I'd prefer to forget.

Unfortunately, I've since been able to recall such gruesome things such as being raped with a tree twig by a Chinese honor student at our elementary school who lived up the street.  I was held down by a couple of kids in the incident.  The same ring leader girl later tried again on a bed in an old abandoned house but that time I was able to fight her off me.  I also recall having been beaten up a few times and punched in the stomach for my lunch money by boys when I was walking home from school in Baldwin Hills, CA.  I remember being so terrified I'd run home after school.  I was in at least 4-5 fights in elementary school most of which I was most always bullied and the victim. 

As an adult I've come to the conclusion my parents, who I later learned had me out-of-wed lock in 1960, were stand-in strangers who viewed me as an inanimate object having been forced upon them.  My father was a television musician for 20 years who'd often be seen playing guitar directly behind Lawrence Welk every Saturday night on national television.  To this day I believe my father was and is still part of the Illuminati from being part of the television entertainment and music industry.

I was so poorly raised when I was a kid up into my teens that I had no idea I had to do my homework believing I could somehow do well without effort or good study skills. I guess after an incident in first grade my mother had given up on me.  Seriously, the first grade teacher told mother I needed to work on my reading skills so she began asking I recite to her from a book.  I was so nervous I kept stumbling on pronouncing the word "it".  Mother was so enraged over my failure to prounce a word that I was choked and shaken violently that night, thrown down onto my bed left alone to shake in fear.

I recall running away from home at least once when I was a little girl, packing up and leaving with my Barbie suitcase. My parents, who were largely psychologically absent, located me nearby at my friend's house.  I had run away because they wouldn't stop fighting with one another keeping me up at night with their loud violent arguments that traumatized me. I recall when I was an 8 year old getting my parents gifts with my chore money after one of their violent arguments. I had my father's busted watch face repaired at a jewelers and bought my mother a 14K ivory rose pin.  I had given them a card asking them to make up and stop fighting.

As the memories come back thanks to Prevagen, it's tough to realize how hard it was to grow up with parents who were practically lobotomized without any ability to bond with me as their biological child.  I was often pitied by my mother who viewed me as an inferior being who once told me in a moment of rage that I had come into the world unwanted. I have horrible memories of my mother once calling my high school for feedback from a music teacher because she believed I was delusional about being able to sing.  I later went on to receive an award for outstanding stylist in our jazz choir, one that was highly regarded in the community having gone to Montreux Jazz festival.

It was a tough life being raised by complete strangers posing as parents who weren't there to care when I got beat up at school or to ever converse with like normal human beings.  When my mother wasn't bullying me, my parents would just sit in front of the television ignoring me as if I didn't exist.  I was only spoken with when I had caused them some perceived problem or when I had to ask their permission for something.  

Memories of my mother are of her being so invasive and destructive she once pulled me out of a rehearsal for the musical Oklahoma, the first I had performed at our high school when I was 14 years old.  There wasn't any reason for my removal other than her wanting control over me.  During the rehearsal I watched in horror while sweating bullets as my mother walked up to the orchestra pit conductor asking for me. What did the students think I had done wrong to deserve that?  All eyes were on me as I had to pack up and leave.

The sad fact is I wish I could have forgotten these things because today I sit in judgment of my parents believing they should have never have had children.  My parents were zombies who made sure I'd be on a path of destruction early in life. I was most always alone as a kid without any parental supervision and it's a miracle I wasn't raped and murdered from my lone wanderings on my fossil hunts up in the hills of Los Angeles.

Tragically, due to poor parental guidance early in life my younger sister Melody died in 2002 homeless in some graveyard ghost town. I learned about it after my mother called to let me know Melody died in a hospital.  I later researched and got the autopsy information to learn what she died from that was a combination of Hepatitis C, alcoholism and Bacterial Meningitis.  When she was 5 years old Melody was given an attention deficit order powerful pharmaceutical drug Ritalin giving her an addictive brain.  Melody's IQ was extremely high as reported by her school and she wanted to be a marine biologist.  Unforutnately that would never materialize thanks to poor parental upbringing.  Unfortunately, drawing a bunch of dinosaurs, framing and placing it in your daughter's bedroom as a surprise gift just doesn't qualify for good parenting.  Memories of my sister as a kid threatening to stab herself with a knife due to parental late night loud arguments linger to this day. 

Melody later had five children who were removed from her by the State of California because she couldn't take care of them, being a widow of a man who drowned of a drug overdose in a pool.  Back in 1998 I was told by my father whom I hadn't seen in years that my sister had been gang raped a few times. I refused to ever speak with the sicko ever again after that phone call.  I had never come across any of my peers in Palos Verdes Estates who had such similarly rotten parents as these. Most of my peers were all well taken care of with their lives all laid out before them with paid for college educations and well estimated careers.

To this day I still have problems with bullies and people who lie about me in a court of law.  I've been accused of such things as nearly running a former co-worker over in a cross-walk with my motor scooter that was completely false.  I've been accused of chasing and following a former employee home on my motor scooter, that was a complete fabrication.  I've been accused of things regarding former roommates over the years that were complete fabricated lies.

My parents were a couple of bullies who made me their subservient inferior slave and disregarded all of my goodness making me into their unwanted illegitimate child whose existence was barely tolerated. My life had been threatened by my parents on many ocassions and me and my sister once had to lock ourselves in the bathroom fearing for our lives.

When I became a young adult I was given a cheap drug store candle in a shoe box by my mother for my 21st birthday.  I had been called to come up to snobby rich Palos Verdes Estates to pick up my gift.   My grandparents on my father's side of the family were little different in their ignoring me when I visited them on Thanksgiving in 1982. When I arrived after riding up with my father and his wife who had completely ignored me, I was ignored there too. I was then seated at the children's table for Thanksgiving dinner away from the adults when I was 21 years old.

I don't understand why people are like this, why they feel a need to have a sense of superiority over others. They often lie and manipulate situations to make themselves feel in control and much of my life I've been a victim of such people.  I've been working on not being a victim for the past few years by becoming a stronger less vulnerable person.  Bullies tend to pick up on vulnerable weak people's vibes they feed off of like parasites so I've been working on becoming a stronger person standing up for myself while holding my ground.  

I envy those who have family memories they cherish because I have not one memory I can find worthy after I turned 6, my so called parents were that disgraceful. There's a reason why women such as Whitney Houston rose to the top, they had parents who nurtured, cared about and loved them as children. I had the potential to be so much more had it not been for my disgraceful parents and their destructive upbringing of me.  I feel fortunate to even be alive.

If you had good parents in your life, you're quite fortunate.  Please try to remember that not all of us are blessed with caring kind parents in life.  Please keep that in mind in how you treat other people whom you have no idea might have suffered through a life such that I have.  I was once homeless for 1.5 years in the mid 1980's.  

My Testimony.pdf